2010 was a big year for the six of us. we experienced many milestones in our family walk. some happy and wonderful and others, quite honestly, very painful. however, i believe that we are exactly where we are meant to be. each day i work to surrender to my Jesus and give Him the go ahead to put me wherever He wants. it's not always easy or happy, but that's where faith comes in... "for i know the plans I have for you," He says. so, that being said... we bought our first home last spring.
it's not exactly our "dream home", but it will have to do for now. after looking at homes and writing offers for two years that we either lost to cash paying buyers or were out bid on, we ended up here. it has been character building process for sure.
i was out voted 5-1 on whether we should even put an offer in on this house to begin with, but since we hadn't had much luck with any of the other homes i thought, what the heck... we won't get it any way... but we did. our offer was accepted to my surprise. so we prayed and talked and prayed and talked about what to do and finally settled on the fact that this must be where God wanted us. i have to admit that it was a very painful process for me. the rest of my family was so excited they shook with joy... i on the other hand had a hard time keeping myself from weeping with disappointment. people would say how glad they were for us and i would smile and say, thank you, all the while aching inside.
as the process went on there were the usual inspections and hang ups and my emotions went up then down and up and down with each one. finally i had had enough... i thought, what the heck is wrong with me??? with frustration i cried out to God to give me His eyes and be able to see His plan in all of this, i begged Him to take the sadness away. i wanted to see what others saw as they oohed and awed over the home. i felt like a big selfish jerk... not being excited about what the Lord had provided... not being thankful... and i didn't want to be that way. things would get better for a while but i ultimately ended up in the same condition. one week before escrow was set to close we learned that raleigh's aunt and uncle, whom we admire greatly, were coming in from out of town. they are pastors of a church in pennsylvania and were in california for a conference. we have counseled with them many times over the years with struggles in our lives and thought... the Lord has brought them at just the right time... an answer to prayer!
they knew some of what we were experiencing and asked to meet us at the new place to have a look around. raleigh and charles stood on the deck and discussed the yard issue that had presented itself a few days earlier as anne and i walked and talked. the Lord opened a special door into my heart to share openly and honestly with her, something i had not been able to do with anyone other than raleigh, and you know what happened... God met me. through her i was able to understand why i was mourning... i had dreamed for 15 yrs of having my own home and what i wanted it to be and this clearly was not it. however that didn't mean that this wasn't the house for us. it was as if a rush of sweet healing wind had blown over me. i had a clearer understanding of my feelings and was able to process what was going on with me and let go. after that had passed i was able to come alongside my family in moving on to this new phase of our lives.
i wish i could say... and we lived happily ever after... but that wouldn't be the truth. there are still days when i get overwhelmed and ask why, why here? however i am trying hard to make an effort to make this place our home, unique to us. i am thankful that the Lord is patient and long suffering with me. He reminds me often of the verse He gave me for 2010... the Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. deuteronomy 31:8
3 comments:
Thanks for sharing so openly Jenny. I had no idea!
What an honest and beautiful post. I love how you share your heart! You are an encouragement to me!
So beautifully stated Jenny. I love that my sister was standing beside you as God made his way into your heart AND my heart goes out to your sorrow. I felt that way about the Twain Harte house. I inherited it! How could I be ungrateful and sad, but it was not the house where I imagined raising my family. In the end it was a place to grow, love, cry, and understand true blessing.
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